he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
