just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
