If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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