Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
