Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize