I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
