Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
