sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
