I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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