I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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