She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
