I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
