He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
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I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
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I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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