my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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