Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
