yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
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Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
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I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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