if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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