I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Two words: nipple clamps
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