My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
