I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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