Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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