how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
