True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
