she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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