I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
