I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
