Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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