Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
