im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
