I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
did you just send me my own nude
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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