I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
