I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
