he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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