??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
