I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
