Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Randomize
