I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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