When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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