I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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