Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
