i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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