tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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