good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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