Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
