I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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