I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
