Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
