Well douche your snatch and let's go!
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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