he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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