Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
please come you make the beer taste better
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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