i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
