"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...