she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
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On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
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Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.