omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
