"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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