This is not my ceiling
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
