As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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