I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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