i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
