My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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