I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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