It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
